Emotions

That urge, that overwhelming flood of sadness it's here. It's awaiting for me to break, I'm from seconds of tearing. I can't let it win, it can't. Crying right now would be embarrassing. I hate these tears behind my eyes simply waiting to burst out.

He sees me, he knows me, better than what I know myself. His stare into my eyes it brings chills down my spine. There's nothing I can hide, he sees everything through my eyes. My eyes they're traders into my soul, my past, present and future.

I love that he sees me, he understand the pain I have inside. I love that he loves me for me. I love how he knows that sometimes I feel alone, that I feel like I have no one, but that he promises that I will always have him. That he will always be there for me. I love that he loves me more than what I've ever loved myself.

Insanity

We all have the capability to kill if we let our demons take control. Sometimes our thoughts are a tad twisted. Sometimes we may feel a bit insane, but it's okay, until we want to act out our fantasies.

Frustration

I try my hardest to please everyone, to accept everyone, but what has that led me to? It has brought nothing but trouble. I see a broken person, and I have this need of fixing them. Some can't be fixed, doesn't matter what I do, or how many ways I explain it to them, they don't seem to want to be fixed. It frustrates me, because as bad as I sometimes I want to turn around, and simply look away, I can't. They hurt me, they always make me feel like I have to apologize, I don't know for what, but I have to. In the end, I get hurt.

Every single day, every single night, every single second, I end up feeling like crap, why? Because that's how you make me feel. You say you love me, but let me tell you that's BS! If you actually loved me, you wouldn't leave me feeling like crap, like somehow it's my fault your life is not perfect, that I'm the cause of it all and that I tums apologize all the time.

I'm done.
I'm done saying, "Sorry."
I'm done letting you make me feel like I'm worthless.
Like, I'm a little ant you can simply step on, every time you fuckin feel like it.
I'm done being your puppet.
I'm done being nice to your bullshit.
I'm done trying to open you eyes.
I'm done listening to your BS.
I'm done believing you.

It's time to let go.
It's time to be me, my true me.
It's time to stop pretending.
It's time for me to stop trying to fix you.

Honesty

Honest, be honest, honesty is the best policy, haven't we heard that at some point? In my opinion it's the most hypocritical phrase in this lunatic world. Everyone is always nagging children to be honest, but let's face it we are simply teaching our children  hypocrisy. No one is honest, and when a child catches a parent in a lie, then they pull the sometimes little lies are alright in order to avoided someone's suffering. So when exactly should not being honest be considered the right thing to do??

Same Routine

I swear I've been here before, a picture i've painted before. I'm here again, in a puddle of colors.
surrounded by a distinct shades off browns, blues, whites,red, they all have a face, but not a name. Some of them , I see constantly, others not really. To each others eyes we are strangers,unimportant, because we all come and go, no one promises to stay.
You get on, but there's no good morning, or a simple hello. Only those who know each other dare to speak, the rest, our mouths open, but no words come out.
I sit, as the rythem of music flows threw my ears, and lyrics spill into my brain. Listening, but not.
Outside, the same house, signs, stores, and school, all flash by like an old film. The weather is what changes, but even then, that remains the same.

Highlighter Girl

Her strokes are so sensitive, done with such passion. On day one she used a neon green, then a pink, but lately she's been concentrated on neon yellow, kinda reminds me of the time I myself was obsessed with neon orange. She moves her utensil with such elegance across the page, up, down, zig-zag, whatever you name it, every movement she decides to take, she does it with such balance between paper and highlighter as if they were one. She doesn't speak to anyone, except she did ask me once for a scan-tron and I got the vibe she fears public speaking. You see we have a project, and the day the project was introduced she asked me, are we presenting this and I was like," Yes, I believe so." All of a sudden she's like i'm dropping the class. I gave her this look, like seriously, you're going to let your fear take over you like that.

I don't know who she is, she doesn't know who I am, but I do know that once upon a time, I was just like her. 

Summer = To Take a Break , Friends, and Live It

"You don't know how much you'll miss someone until they're too far away."

Feels like I'm told that every time, yet, I don't ever learn. Over the summer, I was suppose to go visit my friends for simply two weeks, and spend the rest of the summer with my mother, that wasn't the case though. I ended up spending 3 weeks with my mother and two entire months with my friends. Makes me seem like an awful daughter, someone who would rather put her friends over her mother, right? I know, it may seem like that, but that's not the case, you see to begin with my mother and I, don't have the best relationship. You would expect we would, given the fact that all we have is each other, but sadly no. This summer I saw it as a way to get away first from my mother's family, whom I've been living with the last year, second to see my friends whom I've been missing, and thirdly to enjoy my freedom and in a way abuse it.

To begin with my mother's family is very different from my mother, and after spending an entire year living with them, celebrating holidays their way, and taking in drama after drama, one simply has to take a break from them. For one, they seem like your typical, average happy family, but it's all a lie, everyone is so judgmental. Turn your back and you better believe someone is snickering gossip about you. "Que hay la miraste lo que traiva, y por dios santo su modo es muy sangron", someone all of a sudden will be saying. Also, the holidays, damn is if full of tamales. Okay, I got nothing against tamales, but seriously there are other dishes one can make during the holidays! Like stuffed turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, smooked ham, pumpkin pie, meat loaf, blueberry muffins, cookies and decorating them for each holiday. The drama, if that's not a good reason to get away then I don't know what is. For instance, before I left for some reason my cousin decided to splash beer on my hair which brought us to creating a scene at a party. Doors slammed here and there, ugly stares, sarcastic comments, and rudeness poured down the walls.

I hadn't seen or spend time with my friends for a year which in a way made me depressed, so that's why I also decided to get away. Never before had I gone an entire year without seeing my friends. They had always been there for me, like I had been there for them. I had so much to let out and share, but it was impossible to fill them  in when we were miles away. A few where still back home, and some of them were at college a couple miles away from home. It was our first year of college so it was hard to keep up with each other by calling, texting, or video chatting. The only way to actually get each other to sit an talk was to go back to Oregon, otherwise I wasn't going to be able to see them.

I visualized this summer as a way to enjoy freedom, without having a parent 24/7 by my side. I went where I wanted, whom I wanted with, and cam home whenever I wanted. I lived life, I did things I never though i would do, and things that i'm regretful of, but that's all part about living. You can't learn if you haven't messed up to learn from those mistakes. I ate, I loved and I lived. I messed around with the wrong person, for one he was my friend, second he had a girlfriend, and third I fell for him even when I swore to myself I wouldn't. Then I messed up with someone else simply to make my friend jealous. I played a puzzling game. There's nothing wrong with that, but you should learn when it's time to get back into reality. So I did that, when I came back to Cali I settled back down, drama free, better communication with my mother, and simply seeing life with a different perspective and not letting the fact that my friends and mother are far away get to me and make fall into depression. Now and then I wander off into the sweet memorize of an unforgettable summer, I can't deny that.

In the end this summer, served me as a life lesson that has brought my mother and I closer. I had the courage to tell her the mistakes I made over the summer, I cleared up some of my emotions, and realized that it's about time me and her start communicating better as mother and daughter.

Under A Spell

If only he loved me back? I just want to make him mine. My world shuts down, every time I think about him, but I know it's not possible.
Last night I had a dream, a dream about him. He loved me, he was my king, and I was his queen, but not cause he actually loved me, but because he was under a spell. A spell that his uncle had ordered someone to put on him because he was sick of his previous girlfriend. Crazy, I know. He was mine, I was his world, but it wasn't for the right reason, he didn't love me, he simply though he did. It wasn't right, so I sat down and decided to tell him that I wasn't the one he was in love with, but her.

I should be brave, not afraid, because someday, I will find love. I don't want to keep on wishing to have what's not mine, and what will never be mine.
I should be brave.
I got nothing to lose.

Don't Drive Him Away

Kyle, was his name, he cared a lot about me, I can't deny that, but he was always invading my bubble. I punched him back with my cold heart. He spoke love, and I replied with silents. He treated me like a princess, he built me a kingdom, and I kept of burning it down with my bitchiness. Until one day, he got fed up and left me. He ran after his other half, the half that would respond back to his love with love and not denial, silents or bluntness. He drive off not cause he didn't love me, but because I drove him away with my loveless, love of a relationship that I had built for us. He wasn't the problem I was. Relationships, they can be beautiful, yet, the hardest thing in life to know how to handle. One  has to learn to love the person, but one has to make sure that the love is mutually equal between the both persons, otherwise, the relationship will be an epic fail. One of you, in most cases let's admit  it's the girl; will be a bossy bitch and end up screwing the boy over, and make him feel  that he is the problem, but let's face it girls, we too can be controlling and abusive. If the girl plays her cards right, she can end up controlling that boy  like a puppet. Don't think that cause your partner loves you a lot, doesn't mean he/she won't get fed up someday and walk out that door, and simply become somebody you use to know. Or the only that  got away.

Disneyland

To start out this summer I had the chance to go to Disneyland with a view beloved people. We had so much fun, I love them dearly and every minute with them is precious. I can't wait to go visit my friends.

Thoughts

Have you ever felt that you don't belong in the family you were born into?
That's exactly how I feel, sure we may share blood but they obviously don't want me part of their family. I get it they are probably sick of me being here but they don't have to be so hurtful. Can't they simply leave me alone, or simply ignore me. Don't they understand that I don't have no where else to go or anybody else to fall back on?? What happened to nobody gets left behind or forgotten? They care about nobody but themselves.

Wrong Decision

I knew what was going to happen, yet I still went. They say things happen for a reason, but no they happen cause you end up doing something despite knowing what the consequences might be. I ain't so proud of what I do. I ain't proud of who I have turned to.
My Mom has raised me better, yet I decide not to listen.

I've Learned

It's about to be a year, the nightmares,they're not as strong but they're still there. However, I have learned to live a bit more, I've learned to smile, an actual smile where no lie hides behind it.
I won't stop battling until I win this war. A war I can gain control of.

Messed up

Why do I always seem to attract the wrong person?? I do whatever possible to do so that men of any kind don't stare  at me, but at the same time I have the right to dress however I want. Just cause I just dress one way it's not cause I'm trying to attract, but I'm trying to get the inner girly girl I have inside,out.  Being me scares me at times honestly.

Let It Be

Let's not be blind.
Let's not be deft.
Let's not be ignorant.
Let's not be disrespectful.

Take a chance to live.
Dream
Believe
Trust
Love
Taste
Explore

We are all we have.
You and Me

Don't wait till tomorrow and act now.

Selfish

Who do you think you are?
You think you're cool,
You think you know it all but you don't.
You act like you own everyone,
You think you're that talented,
You think you're all that, but sweety wake up and come down from your cloud.
You think everyone is always staring at you.
News flash bitch, the world does not revolve around you.
You might be pretty on the outside, but you're way ugly from the inside.
You may have "friends", but they're not real, they are fake like you bitch.
Come on tell me to my face that what I'm saying is not true.
Look me in the eyes and straight denie it.
You're no better than me, you're no more important than me
You're no more human than me.

Vous etes ma vie

Il fait froid.
Je n'ai pas vous.
Je suis triste.
Ou' est-ce que vous etes?
Ma vie n'est pas complet si vous n'etes pas avec moi.

Vous voulez dire le monde à moi.

Vous etes mon soleil.
Vous etes ma vie.
Vous etes mon air.
Je ne complet pas si vous n'etes pas dans ma vie.

Realizations

Did you forget, what I once ment? Did you forget, our promise?
Did you forget, about us?

Was I just a joke?
Was I worthing nothing to you?
Was I another one of your games?

I'm done.
I'll move on.
I'm over it, over you.
I'll change, not for you, but for me.

Open Your Eyes

You're not perfect, nor am I.
You speak poison like a snake, so can I.
You pretend to care, so shall I.
You're one hedonistic bitch, I can be too.
You twist words, I will too.
You put me down, so will I.
You punch, and I'll shoot.
You tell and you better believe I will too.
Learn to feel, and I might too.
Learn to be honest, and I shall speak you the truth.
Learn to be nice, and I'll think about it, it's the least you've earned.
Teach forgiveness, and I shall forgive you.
Learn to love, and others  will love you.
Learn to be free and freedom will catch up to you.
Learn to live, and I'll let you live.

Dark shadows, a Dark Past

Fuck it's been one hell of a week. The main reason is I can't mange sleeping. I probably sleep there or four hours a night, it's insane. I've been trying to figure the cause of my sleeping problems and we finally last night I remember why I keep having problems sleep and we'll it's the cause to a nightmare that I keep on getting.
This nightmare has been thinking, and we'll deep down I didn't want to remember my nightmare but last night I was able to recall it.

I'm so scared out of my pants that my mother will drag me back with that son of a gun.

The nightmare starts with me crying, yelling that I don't wanna go. I'm basically begging but she refuses to listen, she packs my things and starts yelling that it's the best. I can not seem to get a hold of myself, and bomb out of nowhere he shows up, as he approaches me I scream and move back as fast as possible. Then I run to find my uncles and I explain why I don't wanna leave, they are on my side but my mother seems to have her mind set.

I figure I'm scared that my mother will somehow prefer him over me.

Bitch

Don't expect me to be sweet when you just keep hating. Bitch at me and I'll bitch back without hesitation. :)
It's not so fun when you're on the bottom and you have no control, right? Welcome to my life so Fuck with me and I'll Fuck you up. Sincerely all it takes is for you to be nice and stop bullshitting with me.

Relaxation

I shall never be defeated, I'll always get up and fight back because the life I have is worth fighting for. I have a lot of people who care, and I care about them.also.

Fuck It

I'm not going to be the first to make amends, if we have to live not talking to each other and stuff, fine with me. Bitch I've trained for this all my life.
I'm not saying I'll be rude towards you like you are to me. You say some nonsense shit every time I'm near, you want me to blow up in your face, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. Go ahead say what you wanna say, I don't care.

Dick Head

Why you being a Dick head for? Stop being a dick head, you're just fucking up the situation. It's funny how you believe you know everything, the truth is you don't know shit.

You see I only told you what I wanted you to see, I lie you know. I'm good at it, especially when it comes to laying about me, my feelings, my thoughts, my understanding. So the joke is on you.

Why would I trust you? You're a guy, I don't trust the male  gender, what makes you think you were my exception? Behind a truth there was always a lie. What exactly, who knows.

Expect Me Not To

Don't expect me to treat you with respect,
Don't expect me to greet you with a smile, don't expect me to trust, or count on you.
Don't expect me to be honest, don't take my love towards you seriously,
Don't expect me to have a sorry bone for you in my body, don't expect me to believe you.
Don't expect me to love you, I have no reasons to.

I'm a joke
I'm a puzzling puzzle
I'm a tad insane
I'm not worth it, maybe not to you but it's okay,
Neither are you.

People, Family, Rudeness, Repulsive

I have to learn when to keep my lips sealed.

It's not strangers who I have to worry about, but the people close to me I have to watch my back from. They are more likely to stab me if they do well I can't just shut them out and scream," I DON't GIVE A FUCK!", cause well I have to live with them, plus family is family, and well I'm in no condition of shutting family out.

Just like I didn't choose my parents, I didn't choose my cousins.

Let me tell you though, I'm strong, I can take peoples bullshit, it may crumble me at first, but hey it's not like I haven't heard the same rudeness before. What they say, it's simply how I imagine how they feel about themselves.

Monsters

Don't touch me.
Don't make me think you care.
I'm sure there's a caring bone in your body, but I'm sure you don't care about me.
You make me feel like crap, you make me regret everything I once shared with you, you make me feel disgusted about myself, you make me remember my fears, you make me feel really small, you make feel worthless, used, unimportant, you make me wanna to regret still living, ever being born, you make me want to.disappear.

You say you care, but there lies, you us me, you step all over me, you manipulate me with your words. You tell me what I wanna hear, you make me feel like you do actually care, but you don't.  All the.damage you have done started the moment I told you about my past. I ran away to escape what I feared, what was making me feel to not live, what made me question why I should even live, but I simply fell into a deeper hole. You make me hate myself, regret ever moving. Honestly, still living in fear feels like it would of been better than living in a house where I have to lie, feel disgusted, feel like I have no respect for myself or anyone in this house. You make me ache.
You make me cry.
Whatever happened to that little boy I once knew, the boy who I though I could trust, who I liked being around, who didn't hurt me emotionally, who didn't lie??

I can't even hug you without fearing you, I can't tell you anything without thinking twice.

Everything you've done is so.wrong, but yes I have the blame too, I'll give you that. I'm not an incident victim either. I'm tried, I'm trying to do things right but how can I when, you scare me. I do what you say cause I picture him, I remember the pain he would cause if I didn't do what I was told.

Future, Present and Past

I look back and turn away,
It moves closer, but I run away.
I go, go, go.
I know, know, know that not much might change, but call me crazy but I believe this might actually work out in the end.
I know I'm just another believer, but it's all I have, it's all I know.
I don't know, what exactly to anticipate, but it has to be something better.
I hope.

I'd be lying if I told you,
I no longer cry, a tear.
I no longer fear,
I no longer scream for help.
I no longer die a bit inside,
I no longer wish I wasn't born,
I no longer fake a laugh, a smile.
I no longer wish to disappear into thin air.

I cried, I screamed, I feared, I faked, I died, but I did live.
They made me laugh,
They patched up some of the pain,
They made a difference in my life,
They learned to love me for me,
They asked for nothing in return, they who tried to understand never pushed me, never made me regret the words that might of slipped from my lips.
They've been discreet, they've been nice, they've been honest, and a true family.
They are my friends.

Once Again

There you go again making me feel like crap. All it takes, is one touch, one word, one stare, one smile. My world, my dignity, my morals, all down the gutter simply cause you can't take me serious. I wanna scream, you repulse me, can't you see everything  you do reminds me of him. I don't stop you not cause i like it, but because every time I want to,  simple fear creeps upon me. I fear that if I say what I actually think of you, you'll rip me to pieces.

You say you love me, but in reality you love to use me like everyone else.

A troubled Maze

Like most people, I feel so lonely,  although, I find myself surrounded by people who care about me. At least I hope they do.  Sometimes I feel like  a burden to people, their life, their happiness, their love, I feel as I'm a burden to my own family. I hate having this feeling of needing to be strong all the time. I hate having to pretend to be someone I'm not, but honestly I don't know who the true me is. It's as if I've been programmed to be strong, heartless at times, happy when I'm not, I feel lost, unsafe. Je suis Perdu.

It's as if I'm running in circles.
I'm trapped in a maze I've created on my own.

Dear Sir Why,

Why didn't you give me a chance? Was I not worth it, was I simply just not worth the privilege of having you as my father? Oh please stranger, oh why?

The fact is, never before did I care about not having a father. The fact that i was unwanted didn't hurt like it does bow. Everything could of been distinct, my life, my mothers. Things could be less hard, or would they??

Today, I had a conversation with a girl in my French class and well it turns out her father is an ass. Her father saw her on Christmas and just ran. It hurt, I could see it in her eyes, although, she said she didn't care. The fact is despite whatever what we may say about not caring, well we do.
My father, he bailed on my mother and I. My cousin and my mother constantly ask if I ever want to meet him, 95% of me doesn't, 4% is unsure, but 1% of me does.

Think Twice

I don't want you to do the things they did to you!

Last night, someone  said those words to me, and well they hurt. It was if I was getting stabbed right in my chest. My eyes, my heart, my back,everything ached with pain.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just curl up and let the world eat me alive. But I didn't let it. I managed to keep in the tears. 

I though I could trust this person with a secret so personal, but they just used it against me. 

Can I trust anyone, really?

Deja Vu

It's hard to tell when someone actually means they're "SORRY" when you're light has been blinded. Sometimes it's hard to keep myself together and not start screaming like a lunatic, " ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING SORRY, OR ARE YOU SIMPLY SAYING THAT CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANNA HEAR?". How am I suppose to believe someone they're sorry, when sorry is something that's so over used now in days. Sorry, is suppose to be said and mean that you will never again to what you did again. It's suppose to mean regret, guilt, but now in days people say "Sorry" like it's a "Hello".

Long ago, someone once said, "sorry, will you please forgive me?", but they didn't mean what they said, all they wanted is to gain my trust again so they could stab me in the back when I least expected it. It's not that I don't wanna believe people that I love when they say I'm sorry, the fact is that my trust for the word sorry is something that I have to question. But how can I expect people to believe my sorry, when I won't believe theirs?

Why do I always end up hear,is there no hope of ever escaping my fears? Is this what I have to live with the rest of my life? Do I have to keep fearing these kaleidoscope of dreams? It's funny how my fears take me  down with out an actual physical fight. I wish I can go to place and for once in my life call it home. A place where I can curl up in a ball and let it out without having those around me think I'm such an emotional mess. I remember back when I was only a child, being taught is all I was; I took the punches, the bruises, all with my head held high. I never let anyone see me down.

I'm so sick falling apart and crawling back up again, I'm so sick of playing a game I know I'm not going to win.

Life is out to get Me

I don't know who I am or where I am, but I realized that it's time to let go of what in the past. How can I though? There are nights that I still cry myself to sleep. I've tried so hard to open up and tell people that I trust what has happened to me. My secret is what always keeps me in my ocean of blue.

Life, yeah doesn't appear to like me so well.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever done something that's so bad, that at first when you start doing it you feel disgustedly full of  guilt? The more you do it the less guilt you start feeling. You keep telling yourself you're going to stop, but you don't seem to manage the power of stopping. So you keep doing it and the guilt simply keeps vanishing little by little.

Well. I have managed to get myself out of a situation, but some how I managed to fall deep into the rabbit hole. What I have done keeps happening when I least expect it to. It's been twice this week already. The first time it happened I though it was going to end, because what I was doing disgusted me with guilt. Then, it happened again, and I told myself okay the third time is the charm, but I  was wrong. You see thins thing I keep doing is something that I do wanna stop, I really do. But, you see when I start I can't stop, I get so caught up in the moment that all I say to myself to justify my actions is, "Just one more last time, I promise, this is the last time", but it never seems to be the last time.

I know that whatever I am doing is wrong. It's really wrong, but the more I keep doing it the guilt keeps vanishing. I am conscious that I'm sick, but that still doesn't seem to help me stop. The fact is, I like what I am doing, that feeling or urge and excitement running through my body it's like an ecstasy that I have always wanted. What I am doing is something I can't spill, it's something that I need to take to my grave which is probably the only reason why I am  still a bit sane. The secret itself taunts me.

I'm worried the situation will go further, but if it does it will fuck up with my life for ever. You see I have had the power and will not to take the situation to a level that will both effect the lives of my accomplice and I. In my head I come up with brilliant lines on what I am going to say, but I never say anything. Typical me. The simple fact is that I can't stop, if my accomplice won't stop either.

Is it really that Complicated?

Dear Karmin,
Okay, yes, I understand and I believe everyone in this house understands that you have issues. But, you have to stop making things seem more complicated then they actually are. Okay, yes your life does suck, but you have to stop looking at all the negativity in your life. Concentrate on the positive things in your life. Stop hiding what you feel, if they ask, "Are you mad?", say what you actually feel instead of saying. "NO!".

As you can all see, I have issues, and I recognize that I'm not honest with myself and especially others around me. I need to start to enjoy the little things in life and stop letting the past get to me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself all the time, I need to stop trying to blame others around me, I need to stop pushing those around me, I need to start being more honest with myself especially.

Because lets face it, feeling sorry for myself is not going to take me anywhere. It's always going to bring me down if I keep letting myself bring myself down.