Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever done something that's so bad, that at first when you start doing it you feel disgustedly full of  guilt? The more you do it the less guilt you start feeling. You keep telling yourself you're going to stop, but you don't seem to manage the power of stopping. So you keep doing it and the guilt simply keeps vanishing little by little.

Well. I have managed to get myself out of a situation, but some how I managed to fall deep into the rabbit hole. What I have done keeps happening when I least expect it to. It's been twice this week already. The first time it happened I though it was going to end, because what I was doing disgusted me with guilt. Then, it happened again, and I told myself okay the third time is the charm, but I  was wrong. You see thins thing I keep doing is something that I do wanna stop, I really do. But, you see when I start I can't stop, I get so caught up in the moment that all I say to myself to justify my actions is, "Just one more last time, I promise, this is the last time", but it never seems to be the last time.

I know that whatever I am doing is wrong. It's really wrong, but the more I keep doing it the guilt keeps vanishing. I am conscious that I'm sick, but that still doesn't seem to help me stop. The fact is, I like what I am doing, that feeling or urge and excitement running through my body it's like an ecstasy that I have always wanted. What I am doing is something I can't spill, it's something that I need to take to my grave which is probably the only reason why I am  still a bit sane. The secret itself taunts me.

I'm worried the situation will go further, but if it does it will fuck up with my life for ever. You see I have had the power and will not to take the situation to a level that will both effect the lives of my accomplice and I. In my head I come up with brilliant lines on what I am going to say, but I never say anything. Typical me. The simple fact is that I can't stop, if my accomplice won't stop either.