Dear Hailey,

Dear Hailey, 

    I never imagined that it was possible to  love someone I haven't met yet, but I do. I love you sweety, I love you a million red m&m's and I promise that I will do everything in my powers to protect you.  Just like I love you, so does Daddy, Grandma and chispis my beloved yorkie who has been with me since she was only 3 weeks old. She too already loves you. 

What if..

What if I choose this path  I'm taking?
If I take this path I'll have to undertake criticism of friends, family, and everyone I've ever met and will meet. I'll give up the opportunity of bonding with another family. I'll give up my freedom, some of my dreams, my way of being, myself.
Not only will I bring shame to myself, but my mother and any children I give birth to. It's not that I fucked up, but  I chose the wrong person. I went for the forbidden Fruit.
I can still back out, but that will not only cost my heart, but it will cost the heart of another person. Another person who's been hurt a lot due to the.fact that he gives his heart.all the time and the other person simply use him. I don't want that, I don't want to be that. I don't want to be another heartbreaker.

Emotions

That urge, that overwhelming flood of sadness it's here. It's awaiting for me to break, I'm from seconds of tearing. I can't let it win, it can't. Crying right now would be embarrassing. I hate these tears behind my eyes simply waiting to burst out.

He sees me, he knows me, better than what I know myself. His stare into my eyes it brings chills down my spine. There's nothing I can hide, he sees everything through my eyes. My eyes they're traders into my soul, my past, present and future.

I love that he sees me, he understand the pain I have inside. I love that he loves me for me. I love how he knows that sometimes I feel alone, that I feel like I have no one, but that he promises that I will always have him. That he will always be there for me. I love that he loves me more than what I've ever loved myself.

Insanity

We all have the capability to kill if we let our demons take control. Sometimes our thoughts are a tad twisted. Sometimes we may feel a bit insane, but it's okay, until we want to act out our fantasies.

Frustration

I try my hardest to please everyone, to accept everyone, but what has that led me to? It has brought nothing but trouble. I see a broken person, and I have this need of fixing them. Some can't be fixed, doesn't matter what I do, or how many ways I explain it to them, they don't seem to want to be fixed. It frustrates me, because as bad as I sometimes I want to turn around, and simply look away, I can't. They hurt me, they always make me feel like I have to apologize, I don't know for what, but I have to. In the end, I get hurt.

Every single day, every single night, every single second, I end up feeling like crap, why? Because that's how you make me feel. You say you love me, but let me tell you that's BS! If you actually loved me, you wouldn't leave me feeling like crap, like somehow it's my fault your life is not perfect, that I'm the cause of it all and that I tums apologize all the time.

I'm done.
I'm done saying, "Sorry."
I'm done letting you make me feel like I'm worthless.
Like, I'm a little ant you can simply step on, every time you fuckin feel like it.
I'm done being your puppet.
I'm done being nice to your bullshit.
I'm done trying to open you eyes.
I'm done listening to your BS.
I'm done believing you.

It's time to let go.
It's time to be me, my true me.
It's time to stop pretending.
It's time for me to stop trying to fix you.

Honesty

Honest, be honest, honesty is the best policy, haven't we heard that at some point? In my opinion it's the most hypocritical phrase in this lunatic world. Everyone is always nagging children to be honest, but let's face it we are simply teaching our children  hypocrisy. No one is honest, and when a child catches a parent in a lie, then they pull the sometimes little lies are alright in order to avoided someone's suffering. So when exactly should not being honest be considered the right thing to do??

Same Routine

I swear I've been here before, a picture i've painted before. I'm here again, in a puddle of colors.
surrounded by a distinct shades off browns, blues, whites,red, they all have a face, but not a name. Some of them , I see constantly, others not really. To each others eyes we are strangers,unimportant, because we all come and go, no one promises to stay.
You get on, but there's no good morning, or a simple hello. Only those who know each other dare to speak, the rest, our mouths open, but no words come out.
I sit, as the rythem of music flows threw my ears, and lyrics spill into my brain. Listening, but not.
Outside, the same house, signs, stores, and school, all flash by like an old film. The weather is what changes, but even then, that remains the same.

Highlighter Girl

Her strokes are so sensitive, done with such passion. On day one she used a neon green, then a pink, but lately she's been concentrated on neon yellow, kinda reminds me of the time I myself was obsessed with neon orange. She moves her utensil with such elegance across the page, up, down, zig-zag, whatever you name it, every movement she decides to take, she does it with such balance between paper and highlighter as if they were one. She doesn't speak to anyone, except she did ask me once for a scan-tron and I got the vibe she fears public speaking. You see we have a project, and the day the project was introduced she asked me, are we presenting this and I was like," Yes, I believe so." All of a sudden she's like i'm dropping the class. I gave her this look, like seriously, you're going to let your fear take over you like that.

I don't know who she is, she doesn't know who I am, but I do know that once upon a time, I was just like her. 

Summer = To Take a Break , Friends, and Live It

"You don't know how much you'll miss someone until they're too far away."

Feels like I'm told that every time, yet, I don't ever learn. Over the summer, I was suppose to go visit my friends for simply two weeks, and spend the rest of the summer with my mother, that wasn't the case though. I ended up spending 3 weeks with my mother and two entire months with my friends. Makes me seem like an awful daughter, someone who would rather put her friends over her mother, right? I know, it may seem like that, but that's not the case, you see to begin with my mother and I, don't have the best relationship. You would expect we would, given the fact that all we have is each other, but sadly no. This summer I saw it as a way to get away first from my mother's family, whom I've been living with the last year, second to see my friends whom I've been missing, and thirdly to enjoy my freedom and in a way abuse it.

To begin with my mother's family is very different from my mother, and after spending an entire year living with them, celebrating holidays their way, and taking in drama after drama, one simply has to take a break from them. For one, they seem like your typical, average happy family, but it's all a lie, everyone is so judgmental. Turn your back and you better believe someone is snickering gossip about you. "Que hay la miraste lo que traiva, y por dios santo su modo es muy sangron", someone all of a sudden will be saying. Also, the holidays, damn is if full of tamales. Okay, I got nothing against tamales, but seriously there are other dishes one can make during the holidays! Like stuffed turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, smooked ham, pumpkin pie, meat loaf, blueberry muffins, cookies and decorating them for each holiday. The drama, if that's not a good reason to get away then I don't know what is. For instance, before I left for some reason my cousin decided to splash beer on my hair which brought us to creating a scene at a party. Doors slammed here and there, ugly stares, sarcastic comments, and rudeness poured down the walls.

I hadn't seen or spend time with my friends for a year which in a way made me depressed, so that's why I also decided to get away. Never before had I gone an entire year without seeing my friends. They had always been there for me, like I had been there for them. I had so much to let out and share, but it was impossible to fill them  in when we were miles away. A few where still back home, and some of them were at college a couple miles away from home. It was our first year of college so it was hard to keep up with each other by calling, texting, or video chatting. The only way to actually get each other to sit an talk was to go back to Oregon, otherwise I wasn't going to be able to see them.

I visualized this summer as a way to enjoy freedom, without having a parent 24/7 by my side. I went where I wanted, whom I wanted with, and cam home whenever I wanted. I lived life, I did things I never though i would do, and things that i'm regretful of, but that's all part about living. You can't learn if you haven't messed up to learn from those mistakes. I ate, I loved and I lived. I messed around with the wrong person, for one he was my friend, second he had a girlfriend, and third I fell for him even when I swore to myself I wouldn't. Then I messed up with someone else simply to make my friend jealous. I played a puzzling game. There's nothing wrong with that, but you should learn when it's time to get back into reality. So I did that, when I came back to Cali I settled back down, drama free, better communication with my mother, and simply seeing life with a different perspective and not letting the fact that my friends and mother are far away get to me and make fall into depression. Now and then I wander off into the sweet memorize of an unforgettable summer, I can't deny that.

In the end this summer, served me as a life lesson that has brought my mother and I closer. I had the courage to tell her the mistakes I made over the summer, I cleared up some of my emotions, and realized that it's about time me and her start communicating better as mother and daughter.

Under A Spell

If only he loved me back? I just want to make him mine. My world shuts down, every time I think about him, but I know it's not possible.
Last night I had a dream, a dream about him. He loved me, he was my king, and I was his queen, but not cause he actually loved me, but because he was under a spell. A spell that his uncle had ordered someone to put on him because he was sick of his previous girlfriend. Crazy, I know. He was mine, I was his world, but it wasn't for the right reason, he didn't love me, he simply though he did. It wasn't right, so I sat down and decided to tell him that I wasn't the one he was in love with, but her.

I should be brave, not afraid, because someday, I will find love. I don't want to keep on wishing to have what's not mine, and what will never be mine.
I should be brave.
I got nothing to lose.

Don't Drive Him Away

Kyle, was his name, he cared a lot about me, I can't deny that, but he was always invading my bubble. I punched him back with my cold heart. He spoke love, and I replied with silents. He treated me like a princess, he built me a kingdom, and I kept of burning it down with my bitchiness. Until one day, he got fed up and left me. He ran after his other half, the half that would respond back to his love with love and not denial, silents or bluntness. He drive off not cause he didn't love me, but because I drove him away with my loveless, love of a relationship that I had built for us. He wasn't the problem I was. Relationships, they can be beautiful, yet, the hardest thing in life to know how to handle. One  has to learn to love the person, but one has to make sure that the love is mutually equal between the both persons, otherwise, the relationship will be an epic fail. One of you, in most cases let's admit  it's the girl; will be a bossy bitch and end up screwing the boy over, and make him feel  that he is the problem, but let's face it girls, we too can be controlling and abusive. If the girl plays her cards right, she can end up controlling that boy  like a puppet. Don't think that cause your partner loves you a lot, doesn't mean he/she won't get fed up someday and walk out that door, and simply become somebody you use to know. Or the only that  got away.

Disneyland

To start out this summer I had the chance to go to Disneyland with a view beloved people. We had so much fun, I love them dearly and every minute with them is precious. I can't wait to go visit my friends.

Thoughts

Have you ever felt that you don't belong in the family you were born into?
That's exactly how I feel, sure we may share blood but they obviously don't want me part of their family. I get it they are probably sick of me being here but they don't have to be so hurtful. Can't they simply leave me alone, or simply ignore me. Don't they understand that I don't have no where else to go or anybody else to fall back on?? What happened to nobody gets left behind or forgotten? They care about nobody but themselves.

Wrong Decision

I knew what was going to happen, yet I still went. They say things happen for a reason, but no they happen cause you end up doing something despite knowing what the consequences might be. I ain't so proud of what I do. I ain't proud of who I have turned to.
My Mom has raised me better, yet I decide not to listen.

I've Learned

It's about to be a year, the nightmares,they're not as strong but they're still there. However, I have learned to live a bit more, I've learned to smile, an actual smile where no lie hides behind it.
I won't stop battling until I win this war. A war I can gain control of.

Messed up

Why do I always seem to attract the wrong person?? I do whatever possible to do so that men of any kind don't stare  at me, but at the same time I have the right to dress however I want. Just cause I just dress one way it's not cause I'm trying to attract, but I'm trying to get the inner girly girl I have inside,out.  Being me scares me at times honestly.

Let It Be

Let's not be blind.
Let's not be deft.
Let's not be ignorant.
Let's not be disrespectful.

Take a chance to live.
Dream
Believe
Trust
Love
Taste
Explore

We are all we have.
You and Me

Don't wait till tomorrow and act now.

Selfish

Who do you think you are?
You think you're cool,
You think you know it all but you don't.
You act like you own everyone,
You think you're that talented,
You think you're all that, but sweety wake up and come down from your cloud.
You think everyone is always staring at you.
News flash bitch, the world does not revolve around you.
You might be pretty on the outside, but you're way ugly from the inside.
You may have "friends", but they're not real, they are fake like you bitch.
Come on tell me to my face that what I'm saying is not true.
Look me in the eyes and straight denie it.
You're no better than me, you're no more important than me
You're no more human than me.

Vous etes ma vie

Il fait froid.
Je n'ai pas vous.
Je suis triste.
Ou' est-ce que vous etes?
Ma vie n'est pas complet si vous n'etes pas avec moi.

Vous voulez dire le monde à moi.

Vous etes mon soleil.
Vous etes ma vie.
Vous etes mon air.
Je ne complet pas si vous n'etes pas dans ma vie.

Realizations

Did you forget, what I once ment? Did you forget, our promise?
Did you forget, about us?

Was I just a joke?
Was I worthing nothing to you?
Was I another one of your games?

I'm done.
I'll move on.
I'm over it, over you.
I'll change, not for you, but for me.