Once Again

There you go again making me feel like crap. All it takes, is one touch, one word, one stare, one smile. My world, my dignity, my morals, all down the gutter simply cause you can't take me serious. I wanna scream, you repulse me, can't you see everything  you do reminds me of him. I don't stop you not cause i like it, but because every time I want to,  simple fear creeps upon me. I fear that if I say what I actually think of you, you'll rip me to pieces.

You say you love me, but in reality you love to use me like everyone else.

A troubled Maze

Like most people, I feel so lonely,  although, I find myself surrounded by people who care about me. At least I hope they do.  Sometimes I feel like  a burden to people, their life, their happiness, their love, I feel as I'm a burden to my own family. I hate having this feeling of needing to be strong all the time. I hate having to pretend to be someone I'm not, but honestly I don't know who the true me is. It's as if I've been programmed to be strong, heartless at times, happy when I'm not, I feel lost, unsafe. Je suis Perdu.

It's as if I'm running in circles.
I'm trapped in a maze I've created on my own.

Dear Sir Why,

Why didn't you give me a chance? Was I not worth it, was I simply just not worth the privilege of having you as my father? Oh please stranger, oh why?

The fact is, never before did I care about not having a father. The fact that i was unwanted didn't hurt like it does bow. Everything could of been distinct, my life, my mothers. Things could be less hard, or would they??

Today, I had a conversation with a girl in my French class and well it turns out her father is an ass. Her father saw her on Christmas and just ran. It hurt, I could see it in her eyes, although, she said she didn't care. The fact is despite whatever what we may say about not caring, well we do.
My father, he bailed on my mother and I. My cousin and my mother constantly ask if I ever want to meet him, 95% of me doesn't, 4% is unsure, but 1% of me does.

Think Twice

I don't want you to do the things they did to you!

Last night, someone  said those words to me, and well they hurt. It was if I was getting stabbed right in my chest. My eyes, my heart, my back,everything ached with pain.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just curl up and let the world eat me alive. But I didn't let it. I managed to keep in the tears. 

I though I could trust this person with a secret so personal, but they just used it against me. 

Can I trust anyone, really?

Deja Vu

It's hard to tell when someone actually means they're "SORRY" when you're light has been blinded. Sometimes it's hard to keep myself together and not start screaming like a lunatic, " ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING SORRY, OR ARE YOU SIMPLY SAYING THAT CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANNA HEAR?". How am I suppose to believe someone they're sorry, when sorry is something that's so over used now in days. Sorry, is suppose to be said and mean that you will never again to what you did again. It's suppose to mean regret, guilt, but now in days people say "Sorry" like it's a "Hello".

Long ago, someone once said, "sorry, will you please forgive me?", but they didn't mean what they said, all they wanted is to gain my trust again so they could stab me in the back when I least expected it. It's not that I don't wanna believe people that I love when they say I'm sorry, the fact is that my trust for the word sorry is something that I have to question. But how can I expect people to believe my sorry, when I won't believe theirs?

Why do I always end up hear,is there no hope of ever escaping my fears? Is this what I have to live with the rest of my life? Do I have to keep fearing these kaleidoscope of dreams? It's funny how my fears take me  down with out an actual physical fight. I wish I can go to place and for once in my life call it home. A place where I can curl up in a ball and let it out without having those around me think I'm such an emotional mess. I remember back when I was only a child, being taught is all I was; I took the punches, the bruises, all with my head held high. I never let anyone see me down.

I'm so sick falling apart and crawling back up again, I'm so sick of playing a game I know I'm not going to win.

Life is out to get Me

I don't know who I am or where I am, but I realized that it's time to let go of what in the past. How can I though? There are nights that I still cry myself to sleep. I've tried so hard to open up and tell people that I trust what has happened to me. My secret is what always keeps me in my ocean of blue.

Life, yeah doesn't appear to like me so well.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever done something that's so bad, that at first when you start doing it you feel disgustedly full of  guilt? The more you do it the less guilt you start feeling. You keep telling yourself you're going to stop, but you don't seem to manage the power of stopping. So you keep doing it and the guilt simply keeps vanishing little by little.

Well. I have managed to get myself out of a situation, but some how I managed to fall deep into the rabbit hole. What I have done keeps happening when I least expect it to. It's been twice this week already. The first time it happened I though it was going to end, because what I was doing disgusted me with guilt. Then, it happened again, and I told myself okay the third time is the charm, but I  was wrong. You see thins thing I keep doing is something that I do wanna stop, I really do. But, you see when I start I can't stop, I get so caught up in the moment that all I say to myself to justify my actions is, "Just one more last time, I promise, this is the last time", but it never seems to be the last time.

I know that whatever I am doing is wrong. It's really wrong, but the more I keep doing it the guilt keeps vanishing. I am conscious that I'm sick, but that still doesn't seem to help me stop. The fact is, I like what I am doing, that feeling or urge and excitement running through my body it's like an ecstasy that I have always wanted. What I am doing is something I can't spill, it's something that I need to take to my grave which is probably the only reason why I am  still a bit sane. The secret itself taunts me.

I'm worried the situation will go further, but if it does it will fuck up with my life for ever. You see I have had the power and will not to take the situation to a level that will both effect the lives of my accomplice and I. In my head I come up with brilliant lines on what I am going to say, but I never say anything. Typical me. The simple fact is that I can't stop, if my accomplice won't stop either.